Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
sarcasm needs its own font
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
