i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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