i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
