I just cut my nipple shaving
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
