my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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