Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
