Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
