Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
