It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
