Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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