dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
