Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
