i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
