I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
