I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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