I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
