I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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