I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
