i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
