My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my being single is dangerous.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
