This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
