I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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