don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am mentally ready for anal.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
