It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
