Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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