Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
