note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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