I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
