I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
