take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i need some magic done to my vagina
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
