i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
