Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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