then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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