good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
