my phone needs a breathalizer
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
