I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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