I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
