Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
