Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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