i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
