sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize