Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
