i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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