On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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