EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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