I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
