Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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