i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
