Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
