When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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