My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
