The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
