Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we made out on top of his cat.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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