only you would photoshop your dick
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
