When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
