my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
