I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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