i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
