I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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