He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
